Why Bristol Matters

I understand the tradition of respect and distance given to children of high profile politicians, on both sides of the aisle. I think most people probably assume that it exists because "they didn't ask to be thrust into the spotlight" or some other rationale, but I'm pretty sure it's just the case that most politicians have kids and are terrified of their kids embarrassing them — so you've got a mutually assured destruction sort of scenario that enforces the truce. Fair enough.

But Bristol Palin is different. Not because she was fucking around while a teenager — frankly, I think teenagers probably ought to be having more sex, not less. And not because she's having a baby, although a discussion about whether or not she "chose" to keep the kid or her parents exercised the same sort of control over her that McCain/Palin would like to exercise over all American Uteri might be interesting for the country to have.

The reason Bristol matters is because she reveals the lie that is social conservativism. The Culture War is fundamentally about values. Liberals believe in education and empowerment; Conservatives believe in tradition and restraint. Sex education is a perfect microcosm of the differences between the two. Generally speaking, Conservatives say that traditional values work just fine and anything other than abstinence-only sex education just encourages pre-marital sexual activity (and they, unlike me, are opposed to that). Liberals say that every study conducted on Planet Earth shows that abstinence-only doesn't work and just results in more unprotected sex, which results in more pregnancies and the spread of disease. Conservatives, however, don't trust science, statistics, studies, or really anything that doesn't come out of their magic book, so the argument continues.

But now there's Bristol Palin. Everyone agrees that Sarah Palin is virtually the Platonic ideal* of a Good Christian Conservative Mother, and if she couldn't raise abstentious daughter, then who else can reasonably expect to? In other words, the conservative position is total bullshit, revealed before you as a five months pregnant seventeen year old.

America, your daughters and sons are fucking like wild animals. Teach them to use protection. Vote Democrat.

*Yes, this usage relies on a common misconception regarding Plato's actual theory of the forms. It's ok though, as I'm appealing to the common understanding of the term, rather than the Platonic one.